Friday, October 05, 2007

ASK Dr. HAL @ 12 Galaxies (2nd Show)

Let it be Known Throughout the Land:
The Ask Dr. Hal! Show is Back!
O U R N E X T S H O W :
--- MONDAY, OCTOBER 8th! ---
Ceratosaurus vs. Stegosaurus-- the re-match! Who
will win? A KrOB Dinosaur Edit in full-blooded Stop-Motion
Animation (Analog, not Digital) from Czechoslovakia (as it was)!

"Sushime" (Sushi Me)-- Breathtakingly nude poet/performance
artiste Blake More, ably assisted by her scantily-clad companions,
provides the centerpiece at a memorable sushi feast! Documentary
footage and animation document a provocative and sensual experience!

Straight Talk from Your Candidate for Mayor of S.F. --your Host, the
One and Only Chicken John!

KrOB's tantalizing Film Farm Prevue!

Science on the Spot with our own Pete Goldie!

David Capurro body-surfs the Internet!

Our Award-Winning Formula-- Gags, Goofs, Girls-- and now, POLITICS!

For Immediate Release:
San Francisco-- As Ask Dr. Hal! once more launches itself into the Noosphere at 12 Galaxies, 2565
Mission Street near 22nd, the weekly ritual of the Show shall re-establish itself as of yore. Again the
apoplectic Chicken will deliver the audience's Questions to the orotund Dr. Howland Owll, Deacon in
the famed Church of the SubGenius. Again mighty KrOB will bathe the ears of the crowd lavishly with
his videosonic soundscape. Again and again shall demented David Capurro, once and future Yo-yo
Pro, ably accent the goings-on with adults-only imagery raked and dredged up from the benthic bottom
of the Internet. Again Prehistoric Monsters will attack something or other, in this case themselves, as
they were, apparently, wont to do.
That's right-- it's the latest irritating iteration of the award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) show. And take
note: our new and improved show promises to be at Nine PM sharp,
a time fewer people are expected to profess to find more than ordinarily inconvenient. This is no joke-- folks,
we have SO MUCH NEW MATERIAL that we ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BEGIN AT 9:00! Up to three hours
of concentrated, industrial strength show--

Our Science Segment...
Pete Goldie has his head in the clouds, even beyond them in the endless reaches of space --but his feet are
planted firmly on the ground. In our show Pete deals with the science of celestial objects (such as stars,
planets, comets, and galaxies) and phenomena that originate outside the Earth's atmosphere (such as
auroras and cosmic background radiation). A student of the evolution, physics, chemistry, meteorology,
and motion of these celestial objects, as well as the formation and development of the universe itself, he
illustrates his presentation with rare pictures of strange worlds in our own Solar System. A Dr. Hal Show
Special Featurette.

Chicken-- the Other White Mayor!
Yes, by now you've probably heard that Chicken John is running for Mayor of San Francisco.
The point isn't to "win" Gavin Newsom's going to do that
to draw attention to a number of issues that will otherwise be ignored; and to have fun doing it. Fun!

Ceratosaurus vs. Stegosaurus! Who will win?
Not so much fun, at least for one of the participants, was a different contest, back during the Age of Reptiles,
when Stegosaurus was set upon by Ceratosaurus. At that time, millions of years ago, Ceratosaurus, a large
carnivorous dinosaur, inhabited North America-- about 144 to 163 million years ago during the late Jurassic
period. Ceratosaurus, classified as a member of the family Ceratosauridae, in larger specimens reached up to
30 feet (9 meters) in length and 6.5 feet (2 meters) in height. Its head was large in relation to the rest of its
body; large spaces called pneumatic cavities, located in and between the bones of the skull, kept its weight to a
relatively light 1 to 2 tons. The long, heavy tail helped to balance the head. A blade-like horn atop the snout, and
two bony ridges above the eyes inspired the name, which means “horned lizard.” These ornaments were lightly
constructed, which indicates that they were not used for fighting. They were used for infra species recognition,
and mainly to attract females.
The most unusual feature of Ceratosaurus was a row of bony plates just below the skin along the top of the neck,
body, and tail. The purpose of the plates is unclear, but some scientists speculate that they might have functioned
as a courtship or dominance display. Most dinosaurs have a variety of bumps, ornaments, and specialized features
related to such displays. Dinosaurs were gnarly.
The mouth was large and contained long, blade-like teeth.
Now KrOB has prepared another dazzling "edit" across 210 million years of Evolution. In our last episode, you
saw a stegosaurus minding its own business when a ceratosaurus leaped into the picture. After a brief struggle,
the latter bit the former in the head, and with a squeal it fell over and died. In this week's vignette, a stegosaurus
is attending to its own affairs when a ceratosaurus comes charging out of the woods. They fight, and the former
is bitten by the latter in the head. But this time the aggressor, injured in the struggle, stomps petulantly off while
the wounded, bleeding stegosaurus crawls slowly and painfully on and on, eventually expiring on a ridge where it
can die facing the westering sun, which is just a brilliant blur behind layers of mist in the warm Jurassic
atmosphere. Pure poetry,eh? Eventually, stegosaurs evolved an armored throat to prevent this sort of thing.
Sometimes it did.
Once again, as giant beasts battle for survival, we bring you more rip-roaring stop-motion animation with
"The KrOB Touch." From the voluminous visual files of mighty KrOB. This absolutely educational and
scientific presentation is offered as part of our ongoing show at the Best Night Club Experience for the
Discriminating-- Twelve Galaxies. And, unbelievably, though it may strain credulity, this veritable
Omega of Entertainment will admit & welcome you for an altogether insignificant and trifling admission:

New! KrOB's Film Farm Prevue!
Every time there's an Ask Dr. Hal! show, there'll be a KrOB's Film Farm two days later. Remember that
irreducible maxim. In this case, at Chez Poulet, 3359 ARMY (Cesar Chavez) St. @ Mission, KrOB will present
Bob Balaban's disturbing and under-appreciated Parents (1989). With added features: EYENOISE du JOUR (to be
announced) / SUPER-SECRET SPY SPECIALS including savory meat treats in recognition of the feature's
anthropophagous subjects. FREE HOT BUTTERED POPCORN, DRINKS and those tempting movie theater SNACKS.

That's KrOB's Film Farm-- Wednesday, OCT. 10th 8PM-- FREE!

New! "Sushi Me" Details an Art Event which Brought a Poem to Life!
Blake More's poem inspired the event of the same name in April of this year up in the environs of Point Arena. This
happening has been chronicled by the film of the same name. We're going to show that film, a first for our audience. It's
a brief look at a beautifully staged and presented display, wherein the artist, active instigator, playfully takes the role of
passive subject. Yum! Always something new & unexpected at our show.

Social Notes
On Monday, September 24th, after a long hibernative hiatus, the Ask Dr. Hal! show reappeared at 12 Galaxies. It was
Chicken's way of testing the waters. And a good crowd appeared-- so now that one-shot has been extended to multiple
performances throughout the month of October. Thanks, everybody! Thanks to Carl Heiney, Josh the Orange Box Man
(soon to leave the U.S. for good, we hear), Jim Withers, Mario, jolly Josh Pollack and Webmonster/rock god Jascha
Ephraim... Primary Tentacle Scott Beale was there, as was, I noticed, some guy who looked just like him, almost. And,
wouldn't you know it, as soon as I got used to the fact that he wasn't Scott, I had to re-program myself once again when I
then saw the "real" one was also present. Wild! Faithful attendee Paul Pot was there, bringing his usual tithing to the
Church, along with faithful canine companion, the latter skittering joyfully over the floor of the club... Mine Host Robert Levy
seemed to be doing a land-office business behind the mahogany... And, yes, the mysterious D. Wellwood Atman was
seen by several reliable witnesses, recording everything for, some say, his black ops portfolio... One who was
conspicuously MIA was perennial protester frantic Frank Chu. Maybe Frank is layin' low-- after all, he recently had the
temerity to endorse some nobody named Quintin Mecke for Mayor in the upcoming S.F. electoral shindig. Tsk! Maybe ol'
Frank wasn't tracking that day, or someone (I'm not naming names) slipped him a sawbuck. Come back, Frank! The Chicken
campaign will welcome you with open arms-- all will be forgiven! Besides, what about the Nutrophrenicol Broadcasts, the
895,000 Galaxies, the Deciphering Stupors? What about Colleyville? Frank, Chicken is the only Mayoral candidate who
will address the concerns on your sign. Just a Word to the Wise, Frank... Rick Davies was proudly squiring a mysterious
blonde, a first-timer to the show. It looks like love's in bloom, folks. Actually there were many new faces never before seen by
Your Correspondent... Interspersed among the newbies, tho', were striking Tarin Towers, tempestuous Ty, just-plain-lovely
Janay Growden (with Shpoopie --sure hope I spelt it right), and kinetic Krista Bray, who has returned to our vicinity at last
to spread the gospel of Egoscue. Ego-who? Well, it's a method-- a practice wherein she, a certified Posture Alignment
Specialist and Accredited Exercise Therapist, helps clients free themselves of acute and chronic physical pain associated
with carpal tunnel, scoliosis, TMJ, back, neck, knee and shoulder pain, sitting-at-a-computer-all-day-itis, as well as
many, many other conditions. It gives me a pain just thinking about it. Want to be a client? Then go ahead and get in touch at
(415) 202-3229, or at --and so much for plug-ola... Meanwhile, back at the show, I noted
curvaceous Cameron McHenry, one of our comely camp-mates out in the dusty desert, and joyful Jen Alexander, with
whom 'twas my privilege to watch the Paul Addis pre-burn this year...Of course, seductive Spy was slinking around, and we
were also graced with a visit by ravishing Robin Coomer of Loop Station fame... Before the show I caught angelic Angela
Knowles chatting up ol' Puzzling Evidence outside the club under the marquee. La Knowles couldn't catch the show, but
dropped by just to wish me two broken legs (e.g. good luck). I'll never forget splashing around with Angela on the Chicken
John Bus Trip to the well-named Delight Hot Springs in the Mojave Desert earlier this year. Awesome Angela, when not
expressing her Inner Mermaid, is a visual artist of certain talent. She can be seen on weekends painting a mural over in Balmy
Alley, beautifying Our Fair City, which she tends to do anyway just by residing here...

Radio Log
Now all you shut-ins can catch the live show on radio! It's true, thanx to Dr. Monkey of Pirate Cat Radio, 87.9 FM. Each
show'll be simulcast, then re-broadcast Wednesday nights from 10 PM to Midnight, the same slot KrOB and I have been doing
the radio version of ADH in up to now. Here are the dates, mates:

Monday Oct 8th - 12G simulcast 10 - Midnight
Wednesday Oct 10 - PCR podcast (re-run of 12G show)
10 - Midnight
Monday Oct 15th - 12G simulcast 10 - Midnight
Wednesday Oct 17 - PCR podcast (re-run of 12G show)
10 - midnight
Wednesday Oct 24th - PCR studio show 10 - Midnight
Monday Oct 29 - 12G simlucast 10 - Midnight
Wednesday Oct 31 - PCR podcast (re-run of 12G show)
10 PM - Midnight, and perhaps (this isn't yet certain)


Tuesday Nov 6th - 9 PM - Midnight, followed by
Wednesday Nov 7 - PCR podcast-- 10 PM - Midnight

And don't forget to listen to Dr. Hal on Puzzling Evidence, the show on KPFA 94.1 FM every Friday morning, 3-5 AM...

Disclaimer (Boilerplate. Brought back by popular demand. For completists only.)
"Ask Dr. Hal" is open to all seekers and thirsters after Enlightenment, except for the ones Chicken John permanently 86's. Don't be a-messin' with him, mister. Special consultations and hands-on initiations are available in private, particularly for well-knit, gracile, nubile females over the currently legal drinking age of 21. Everybody else, including jugglers, saw players, and all other would-be prospective opening act performers, is asked to present his or her resume, life history, astrological chart, nude photos, sob stories, requests for handouts, X-rays, dirty linen, pickled punks, tortillas or stained BVDs with miraculous portraits of Jesus thereon, VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels, CDs, DVDs and/or audition tapes directly to warm-hearted "Chicken"John for evaluation when he is available and not stumping up and down S.F. for your vote. I am unable, owing to serious demands on my time at present, to provide (shudder) "relationship" advice, give off-the-cuff psychological analyses, advise you in legal, medical or personal matters, critique your "poetry," artwork or the manuscript of your novel, or perform an impromptu phrenological or proctological examination. Sorry, I must refrain from answering questions when "off duty." This is a period and condition which begins at the moment the show ends and regularly lasts until the beginning of the next week's performance. I'm not kidding, don't come at me with questions when it's not Monday and I'm not doing the show. Why can't you understand this? Otherwise, all are most welcome. Step right up, no shoving, room for all. Not for the fearful, tearful, fretful, regretful, self-obsessed or feeble-minded, nor for cranks, fanatics, crank addicts, hysterics, epileptics, cataleptics, balkers, stalkers, young, impressionable children or those who are no longer children but are (too) easily shocked. Oneiromancy a specialty. Some restrictions apply. Easy to play. Follow all directions. Be the first on your block to attend. We provide an Oracle of Truth; you provide the consequences. Hollering & yelling at the stage from the audience will be severely discouraged. For interface during showtime we suggest the "side note." Available in other venues, and for weddings, funerals, corporate entertainment retreats, secret ceremonies, bar and bat mitzvahs. Scientific, educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive. Take cum grano salis. Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain clothing. No complicated machinery to buy. Anyone can play. Fun for the whole family (if, that is, the whole family is of legal drinking age). We always show a dinosaur movie. Pencils, envelopes, instruction booklets and question slips provided free of charge. No pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets. Witty, bawdy, topical. Will tell you your Totem Animal. Hypnotic and horrific. Reads tea leaves and T-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells, locates missing objects, heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit World, knows the Meaning of Life and the secrets of human hearts in this world and the next, for all the good it does. Will design your tattoo. Available for Sex Magick, though at times barely able to function sexually. Bring your parents and loved ones. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Reveals Past Lives and Life of the Past. Yes, our show's the most amazing thing seen anywhere, I kid you not. Bachelors and cads, take notice: some of the most fetching (though crazy) women in San Francisco regularly attend, at least until Chicken offends them and in consequence they move to the other side of town. C'est la vie. But they really are maddeningly lovely, yes indeed. A co-production of the Church of the SubGenius. Dobbs Approved. Available for cold plunges and hot tubs. Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of the hand, reads by touch the bumps on the head and the contours of the uncovered female body. From now on until the Fifth Angel opens the bottomless pit, out of which, the Good Book tells us, will then pour a swarm of bizarre arthropods to torment sinful humanity all questions instantly and irrevocably become the property of Ask Dr. Hal, Hal Robins, and Chicken John Productions. We reserve the right to refuse service to you and all your kin, reject inappropriate questions and eject inappropriate questioners, abruptly, firmly, forcefully, gleefully and at will. Attn. Mission drunks, tosspots, plug-uglies and owlhoots: if you try to disrupt our show, you will be "bounced." As for everybody else, Chicken may unaccountably pelt you with wadded up papers-- but it's all in good fun, isn't it? Although it is not strictly necessary to pay to enjoy the performance, and payment will not ensure your appreciation of the evening, all questions should ideally be submitted in a regulation envelope containing an emolument to receive the fullest possible consideration. The better (i.e. larger) the emolument, the better (i.e. long-winded) the answer. A premium emolument precipitates a so-called "Bardic Recitation." Of course, unpaid questions will be answered, but in binary form by the ghastly, gabby Leslie Sternbergh-donated talking 8-ball (once heard on KQED FM) which can even speak its reply aloud. But if it's not a "yes or no" question, this type of answer frankly doesn't work very well, and tends to be somewhat unsatisfying. Just the same, no refunds given or answers guaranteed. That's right. You pay for it, you get it. No one religion or political party endorsed. And if you don't see what you want, just ask. Time tested. User-friendly. Preserved for Posterity. Written up in the weeklies. Featured on the radio, and in the Italian Daily Press. Taped for TV. Quoted at parties. Rough on Rats. Remembered in dreams, re-run in your nightmares. Astrally projected. Alive in Living Memory. Provides automotive information. The subject of after-dinner anecdotes. Will pop into your mind at unguarded moments. Better than "The Playboy Advisor," and certainly cheaper. Are you really actually reading this? You are? Good for you. At least somebody is. We're obviously not for everybody, but then, as R. Crumb said, not everything's for children-- not everything's for everybody. Don't let the terrorists win-- They Hate our Freedom to laugh our heads off at shows like this, so-- it's important-- at the next election, vote them out of office this time. Impeachment is good, too. Get organized! We're located in the fluttering, fibrillating, palpitating Heart of the teeming Mission, at 2565 Mission Street near 22nd. Read all instructions (provided) before participating. Drink responsibly, but heavily. Robust alcohol consumption recommended for full enjoyment. And don't fail to visit the Ask Dr. Hal! Web Site:


Post a Comment

<< Home